Screenbytes

ScreenBytes: A Forum for Screenwriters

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THREAD – FINDING AN AGENT

NATASHA

Has anyone heard of Creative Film Writers?

NEXT-TARANTINO

The A-holes nixed my noir.

DEUX EX MACHINA

They sent mine back unopened with a certified letter never to mail them so much as a comma again. It was burn before reading. Taran, how’d you get them to read yours?

ALLEYCAT

Rejection sucks, bro. I feel your pain.

DEUX EX MACHINA

How can it be rejection if they don’t even open the G-D thing? How did you get through the watchman, TAR?

AUDREYHEPBURN12

Agents only read scripts from people they know so you need letters of introduction to get read. It’s like a Henry James novel about old New York society. BTW –what does who you know have to do with … how well you write?

TWILIGHTER

You need an agent to get an agent.

ALLEYCAT

You’re so righteous, Audrey. How big are your titties?

NATASHA

Has anyone tried Hollywood’s Newest Sensation?

NEXT-TARANTINO

You’ll never get anywhere writing queries. You need to meet people who can pitch your script to CFW or HNS. So you haul ass out to Hollywood like I did. You go to parties. You place your lips on the right asses. You do whatever it takes to make it.

AUDREYHEPBURN12

What does where you live have to do with … the quality of your writing?

NEXT-TARANTINO

I moved out to Tinseltown and you and your little dog need to get out of Kansas, girlfriend.

AUDREYHEPBURN12

I live in Manhattan, thank you very much.

NATASHA

Okay. You need a referral to get to CFW or HNS :( What about Seven Days in Muse?

ALLEYCAT

You have beautiful eyes, Natasha. I keep dreaming about the rest of you. How big are your titties?

TWILIGHTER

I just checked my e-mail and I got three — one-two-three – rejects in one swoop. I’m quitting. Excuse me while I drink tequila until I get wasted enough to pass out.

DEUX EX MACHINA

Never never give up.

ALLEYCAT

There will come a day when you realize it’s all a big scam and no one is going to read your script much less produce it, and that’s the day you put the gun in your mouth.

NEXT-TARANTINO

What’s your genre, Twilight?

TWILIGHTER

A vampire trilogy set in Sherwood Forest.

NEXT-TARANTINO

Vampires are so 2008. Write a fierce apocalyptic sci-fi. Write it on the backs of your vampire scripts – that way you’ll save the trees of Sherwood Forest.

ALLEYCAT

Go ahead and kick her while she’s down.

NEXT-TARANTINO

Better truth here than three rejects a day.

AUDREYHEPBURN12

It’s impossible for woman screenwriters because all they want is macho crap from men who can’t create decent female characters. Lara Croft is just Batman in drag.

ALLEYCAT

But she looks hot in her dominatrix costume.

NEXT-TARANTINO

Lara Croft got made and you’re not selling nothing, soul sister.

ALLEYCAT

They won’t read our stuff. We’re invisible to them.

DEUX EX MACHINA

What is your genre, Tasha?

NATASHA

An animation feature for kids called Queen Barbie.

NEXT-TARANTINO

Scratch that. Those are all done in-house out here in Hollywood.

AUDREYHEPBURN12

Name one female screenwriter outside of Nora Ephron who’s dead.

ALLEYCAT

Last night I watched Reservoir Dogs again. Man, that scene where he takes off the cop’s ear – awesome.

NATASHA

Gross.

NEXT-TARANTINO

It’s on a par with Clockwork Orange and the Singin in the Rain sequence. I love it. But I think Django could be his best.

AUDREYHEPBURN12

Boys will be boys.

DEUX EX MACHINA

Shakespeare littered his stage with corpses.

ALLEYCAT

I’m watching Inglorious Bastards right now and I feel like my head is reeking blood, and it could explode into a million bits of gray and blood like JFK’s head into Jackie’s lap.

AUDREYHEPBURN12

I just watched Flashdance again last night. It’s the best paean to working class women ever filmed. Take your passion (writing) and (make it happen!).

DEUX EX MACHINA

Pulp Fiction’s still the masterpiece.

NEXT-TARANTINO

Wasn’t Flashdance about a pole dancer?

TWILIGHTER

Is Flashdance on Netflix? BTW, I’m really really giving up.

DEUX EX MACHINA

What if you were really close and you gave up the day or even the hour before —your script got a green light??????????

ALLEYCAT

Another reason to blow up your head.

AUDREYHEPBURN12

You’re a GD downer. I used to be depressed too before I detoxed and did away with carbs, sugar, salt and other chemicals. Eliminate all processed foods and go gluten-free. Do a green tea detox first.

NEXT-TARANTINO

Vitamins, yoga, Here we go again. Don’t you peddle vitamins?

AUDREYHEPBURN12

I’m proud of my work with natural vitamins. I think I help people.

DEUX EX MACHINA

What’s your genre, Aud?

AUDREYHEPBURN12

1930s screwball comedy.

NEXT-TARANTINO

Gee, Audrey, if I was you, I’d be scared of somebody ripping off my great idea for a screwball comedy. Please, please don’t quit your day job.

NATASHA

Today LLLL rejected Queen Barbie. It was on a little skinny printed piece of paper, maybe two inches square. You’d think a big company that repped Tom Cruise and Jude Law could afford a full-sized rejection slip. I want to see better quality rejection slips.

ALLEYCAT

I think we should give it up and go get smashed.

NEXT-TARANTINO

I may have a major announcement soon. I may have something going into production. You dudes will be the first to know.

AUDREYHEPBURN12

Please – the suspense is ruining my day.

NEXT-TARANTINO

Do you know I like to eat salmon, Audrey? I love salmon. I’d like to eat your salmon.

AUDREYHEPBURN12

Pig.

ALLEYCAT

How about dinner for three?

AUDREYHEPBURN12

You should quit drinking, AC. You’d clear up your nasty disposition.

NEXT-TARANTINO

Life without booze is too grotty to contemplate.

ALLEYCAT

Amen, bro. Me and Jimmy Beam go back a long way.

AUDREYHEPBURN12

Don’t you ever exercise or anything? Do you ever take vitamins?

ALLEYCAT

I’ve tried H, Oxy, Xanax – you name it. The thing is a long time ago I went down this rabbit hole and never got out. One day I’ll put a gun to my head and blow the pain away.

NATASHA

Maybe you should call 1-800-SUICIDE. They can be really nice. I used to volunteer for them.

NEXT-TARANTINO

So did Theodore Bundy. He effing volunteered for Suicide Hotline.

DEUX EX MACHINA

I feel a screenplay coming on –

ALLEYCAT

It’s like the way they hammered Christ in Mel Gibson’s The Passion. I feel like I’m bleeding and can barely stand up and I can’t take more of this sh&t.

AUDREYHEPBURN12

Self-pity is never attractive. You need to detox from the Xanax and all the other toxins in your body and eat only natural foods. Take extra Bs and D.

NEXT-TARANTINO

You go, girl. I like earth-mother energy in my women.

TWILIGHTER

Sometimes I think the dudes on this board don’t even want us here. Not even on the forum. Yo, maybe you dudes could help me write something? You’ll find out gurrls can write too! :) So, help me out — what makes a woman character fascinating?

NEXT-TARANTINO

A woman is fascinating when she’s in the kitchen making sandwiches.

DEUX EX MACHINA

You and AC are creating a hostile environment for them and I consider them my friends.

AUDREYHEPBURN12

Colleagues. How about colleagues?

NEXT-TARANTINO

Don’t press your luck.

DEUX EX MACHINA

Has anyone seen the new Woody Allen?

AUDREYHEPBURN12

It doesn’t compare to Midnight In Paris.

DEUX EX MACHINA

Too many set-up problems in Act One. Problems in Act One mean problems in Act Three. You got to set it up right.

NEXT-TARANTINO

Who are you? Syd Fields? Next thing you’ll recommend is little card notes for every scene.

NASTASHA

What happened to AlleyCat? He hasn’t posted for two days.

DEUX EX MACHINA

Did you even read Syd Fields? Or Lajos Egri? They say when you write dialogue, you have to remember that people talk AT each other and not WITH each other.

NASTASHA

Is anyone entering the Next Big Oscar Winner Contest? If you win or even make the semi’s, it can make your whole career.

NEXT-TARANTINO

Last year’s winner is a barista at my local Starbucks.

NATASHA

I might go to the Screenwriters Discovery Festival in Denver.

NEXT-TARANTINO

You’ll never meet a real player at those festivals. BTW, I think I’ll have an announcement tomorrow for you ppl.

ALLEYCAT

I am Robert Schubacher’s daughter. You need to know Dad died in a mobile home fire last Thursday. He had stockpiled his pills and then he set his trailer on fire. So you can imagine how I felt when I got a letter in the mail from him today. He asked me to log into Screen Bytes and let you know what happened. Maybe he mentioned he’s been in a wheelchair and on disability since he came back from Viet Nam. The last few years were rough for him and his pain level was bad and he was sick a lot. The most important thing in his life was Screen Bytes forum. You folks were the world to him and he wanted me to thank you for your love and support. So thank you. From my Dad.

NEXT-TARANTINO

We were his world? Jeesh.

TWILIGHTER

I feel sick. I mean, he set his effing trailer on fire. We should have done something! :(

NATASHA

I should never have said anything about suicide. It was a mistake. They train you not to talk about suicide as an option.

NEXT-TARANTINO

Don’t go there, Tash. That’s hubris. There’s nothing we could have done. RIP, AlleyCat.

DEUX EX MACHINA

Is anyone else out there depressed? Anyone?

 

Jane St. Clair grew up in Chicago and graduated from Northwestern University. She has been a staff member of the TV show “Sesame Street,” and a reporter/photographer for several newspapers, including the Louisville Courier-Journal. She is the author of 21 children’s books and a novel entitled “Walk Me to Midnight” published in 2008 by OakTara Press. Her short stories have appeared in literary magazines like the Rosebud, Red Rock Review, J Journal, descant, Clockwatch Review, Clare, Attic Fiction, QWF, and Thema, as well as anthologies from the University of Nebraska Press, Attic Fiction, Main Street Rag Publications, Firewalkers, Omni Press, and more.

 

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