Dear Siri, OMG I’m So Confused, Please Fix Apple Music

I signed up for the three months free student special on Apple Music, and it blows because you
actually have to know music, I mean it’s not like Spotify, no, Spotify’s all symbols, just choose
your mood, or Pandora, which is all thumbs up or thumbs down, where some algorithm creates
the station for you, Apple’s all words, just some uberorganized open library, and fuck an open
library, I don’t know anything about music, I need Siri to suggest shit to me, based on what I
already like, how the fuck am I supposed to know who’s out there, what I like versus what I
don’t like, I don’t know a goddamn thing, and that’s the problem with technology, I guess, it’s
making us fucking stupid, or at least in this instance it is, in other instances, it allows Mcdonalds
to eliminate cashiers, substituting automated self-service kiosks, it allows Siri to read maps for
us, so we don’t ever actually know where the fuck we are, we just know that we have 6% battery
left and we can’t use the phone any more because, well you know why, because we don’t know
where we are, i mean we know where we need to go, but we don’t know how to get there, it’s the
same story round and round the world wide web in it’s swipe left rows and columns of apps,
apps to tune a guitar, apps to know if it’s raining outside, apps to know when you’re ovulating,
apps to know how many fucking steps you’ve taken, I mean pretty soon even the yoga studio
down the street will cut their yoga instructor positions, and hire Siri, to create custom playlists
based on the clients in the class and their social media profiles, which include their music
preferences, or if they don’t state their music preferences, Siri will analyze other data, and
assume preferences, which is what I was expecting Apple Music to do, I mean don’t they know
everything about me, capital-t They, why doesn’t Apple cut the words and illusion of choice, just
fucking play what I want to hear, I mean maybe Apple Music has that functionality, and it’s just
not user friendly enough for me to figure it out, unlike spotify and pandora where all that’s
required of me is to choose thumbs up or thumbs down, like this, don’t like that, simple binaries
that I can operate, but looking at a blank search bar, what the fuck am I supposed to do? I mean I
need Siri to take a leadership role in this relationship, like any good bra, I need her to be more
supportive, not intrusive, like metal wires, but gently all-knowing, I need her, that maternal
closeness, I need that, if Apple’s going to rule the world, I need that, but these apps where she’s
silent, it’s like staring naked into the void.


Ryan Loveeachother is the author of three self-published novels. His flash fiction and prose poems have been published or are forthcoming in Adbusters, Flash Fiction Magazine and others. Once a lawyer, he now teaches first-year college composition and sells screen-printed t-shirts to raise money for Bum Genius baby diapers. Find him on Facebook.

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